is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me: