Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
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My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
😂😂
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.