How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
[shakes fist at other fist]
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me