I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now