Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.