*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
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These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.