Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
getting old is fun
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money