my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
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i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Wait a minute
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?