And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I saw nothing
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Breaking news:
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.