Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone