Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
That’s not how days work.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.