[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
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“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
*praying for world peace*
God:
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
scrabbled eggs
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw