My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Duck typos.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳