I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
You Might Also Like
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
#gardening
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.