The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood