You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.