Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
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ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
He wanted to make sure😂
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER