Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
The photographer’s assistant
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad