THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?