Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
This is the best one I’ve seen
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*