Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco