My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I was just discussing this with my cat
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
This was my dad’s browser history.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The Weeknd is back
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
why I oughta
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?