I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.