me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
🚲+physics = winner
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?