[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.