That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Noah was an idiot.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*