“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Still my favorite headline of all time:
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
what’s really going on
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
i’m sure it’s fine
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
😩😩😩
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.