8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
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Straight people are cancelled
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Sell your car
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.