Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
You Might Also Like
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Do one person every day that scares you.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
2 years later
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I have obtained a hat
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving