“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
You Might Also Like
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.