cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
You Might Also Like
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.