10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
my lower back watching me try to live my life
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.