Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.