Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”