Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: