[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Venn
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”