her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Can’t. Being lazy.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.