Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
When I snag the last meatball.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.