“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.