If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
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If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
When you kidnap a writer.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me too 😆