them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Dance like you’re not the father
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I cannot call her anything else now
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.