[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch