1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
bury ourselves
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.