*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies