Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
When you’re here for the treats.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
who wore it better?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
me when I see my crush
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.