pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire