Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
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My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
So true for me
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you