Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
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(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁