Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey