Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
You Might Also Like
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
can I use a minion as a tampon
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Life hack
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.